If you’re a single mother then I imagine you battle with this as well; the balance between nurturer and enforcer. And if you haven’t started the battle yet, then be prepared because it’s coming! Being the loving spirit I am I’m having quite a challenge with this because I know that I while I want nothing more than to sit my princess on high and spoil her rotten, this would do a greater disservice to her later. I want the best for her in life, to have a love and relationship with GOD, to respect herself and others; to be kind, hardworking, so on and so forth. But yielding these results do not come over night, they come with consistency and immediate response in reward or punishment consequences.
My concern is when these consistent and immediate responses are more towards enforcing the law rather than rewarding a good behavior or lesson learned. What happens when you’re now viewed as mean mommy? I’m experiencing this right now, and let me tell you- it’s not fun. In fact, I find myself rather sad at times because my daughter calls me mean or says I hurt her feelings, when ultimately my goal is to teach her and help her- not hurt and harm her. Do I lose my patience at times? Sure. I imagine most moms/ parents do. However, I do not spank with a weapon- as yes, in my book, belts are weapons. I use my hand only and most times her discipline comes in the form of a time out, or me taking away something she wants or enjoys doing.
And to make matters worst, she now uses her dad as a defense when she’s in trouble. Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard it as well, “I want my daddy”. Now that hurts like hell, because I’m the 1 who is with her daily- cooking for her, bathing her, teaching her, busting my hump planning for her future- yet I’m the bad cop. And I know, sure, she’s a child she doesn’t understand. I get that. But I’m still human. I’m a woman with a sensitive heart that I embrace dearly, and I don’t want my child viewing me as mean, just as I’m sure you don’t want your child (ren) viewing you as mean either. So ladies, how do we conquer this nurturer vs. enforcer battle without the results being at the expense of our babies?
I’m eager to hear from you!
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So now that I’m back in the game of dating, and being that I am a mother there is nothing more annoying than inconsideration for my time, as I’m sure many mothers can relate to. So, on behalf of myself and other mothers allow me to make it clear for you fellas. Most mothers, those of us who put the lives of our children before our own, ARE NOT available to go out with you when given a 1 hour notice simply because you call or text.
Personally, being that I only trust my daughter to be left with a select hand full of people, I require at least 1 week’s notice for a date. Now once the relationship becomes more developed this requirement can loosen up, however, keep in mind that unless we are headed toward the alter, I will NEVER be available to you with a 1 hour notice. My time is valuable and my evening and weekend time- which is primarily dedicated to my daughter is even more valuable. Our evenings have structure; which include dinner, games, reading, educational activities, bath and bed time. And it is inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful to me as a mother for you to assume that because you say you want to see me that I will abruptly interrupt my daughter’s routine to spend time with you. Especially when you weren’t even thoughtful even to make official plans- as a real date should be.
So fellas, if you’re truly interested in dating a real woman and lady who also is a mother- please take note of a few things you should keep in mind:
- There are likely to be others around of whom spend time with the child(ren); (father, grandparents, aunts, godparents), freeing the mother of any direct obligations at the time- Find out when that time is and if you’re serious about dating her, then you should be making plans with her contingent upon that time.
- If she does agree to a date with you which in order to go out she needs to get a sitter- Do Not waste her time or money (if she has to pay for the sitter). Keep to the time agreed upon for the date and understand that standing her up in a scenario such as this is very likely to result in her tossing your number to the dump
- If you get to the point of meeting her child, do not try to win the mother over by buying the child gifts- my child is not a tool to get to me and neither of us can be bought. This does not apply to Christmas and Birthday gifts- those gifts are expected.
- DO NOT make promises to the child that you have no intention on keeping- this is a HUGE no no. Chances are the child has already experienced some level of disappointment or confusion due to not having the father in the home- Don’t come in making matters worst
- Understand that chances are this woman desires to be married, therefore if you have no desire to be ranked in terms of how good you would be as a father figure then please don’t waste her time or yours…just keep it moving on to someone else
Fellow moms, I hope I did us justice! If we don’t start to set the bar for how to be treated then who will? And better yet, what message does it send to our children?
Sylvia, thank you for having me. Check out more blogs by Leslie Love Smith at Leslie’s Love Chat