Mother’s Monday: A Mother Never Forgets by @DeannaKahler #MotownMom
I’m a proud mom of a wonderful daughter who joined my family through adoption. But that’s only part of my story. The truth is there were two before her. I was pregnant twice and sadly lost both babies as a result of miscarriages. Like many women, I will never forget these unborn babies or the experiences I had. They will be a part of me always. Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it’s the perfect time discuss how losing a baby affects a woman and how we can all be more understanding and supportive to these grieving moms.
There are truly no words to describe what it feels like to lose a child. It’s a devastating, heartbreaking experience that you never forget. I remember feeling sad, angry, frustrated, anxious, depressed and very alone. What made it most difficult is that friends and family often didn’t understand the depth of my pain. They failed to realize that although I never saw, met or held my babies that they were still very real to me. They were my children, and I will remember them always. Many women who miscarry feel the same way. So, how can you better support them during this difficult time? Here are some tips for helping a woman who is dealing with a pregnancy loss:
Let her grieve. Don’t tell a woman who has suffered a miscarriage to forget about it or get on with her life. Tell her it’s okay to feel sad. Be patient with her and give her all the time she needs to process her loss, deal with the grief and begin to heal. This takes time. Remember that the grieving process will be different for each person.
Don’t trivialize her pain. Things not to say are: “It wasn’t meant to be,” “You can always have another child” or “Maybe there was something wrong with the baby.” Remember that a pregnancy loss is a death and treat it as such. The woman may not have ever seen her unborn child, but that baby was very real to her. The best thing to say is simply: “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Encourage her to talk about it. Many people are uncomfortable discussing miscarriage or feel they should avoid mentioning it, but for the grieving mom, it may be the best thing for her. Let her know you’ll be there if she wants to talk or just needs a shoulder to cry on. Getting her feelings out will help her to heal.
Remind her that it’s not her fault. After a miscarriage, many women feel a sense of guilt. They may feel somehow responsible for their losses or mistakenly believe that they did something wrong that caused them. Remind her that miscarriages usually happen because of medical reasons, and that she shouldn’t blame herself.
Don’t expect her to forget. With time, she will heal and move on with her life. But don’t expect her to ever forget about the babies she lost. They will be a part of her heart and her story forever. She may even want to do something to honor or memorialize them. I planted a rose bush and wrote poems for both of my babies. Doing something like this helps with the grieving process and also creates a permanent symbol of these precious lives that were cut short.
A little support and understanding can go a long way toward helping someone heal after a pregnancy loss. By reaching out to woman who’s miscarried, you can help her feel a little less alone and reinforce the importance of these unborn babies. They were, after all, her precious children – and a mother never forgets.
Bio: Deanna Kahler was born and raised in the Detroit area. In addition to being the mother of a 7-year-old daughter, Deanna is also an accomplished writer and author of “From Pain to Parenthood: A Journey Through Miscarriage to Adoption.” She is working on her second book, a paranormal romance titled “Echoes of Paradise,” scheduled for release in January. For more information, please visit www.deannakahler.com.
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Posted on October 14, 2013, in Information, Motivational, Uncategorized and tagged Adoption, detroit, Family, Home, Infant Loss Awareness Month, michigan, Miscarriage, october, overcome, pain, Pregnancy, Prenatal development, struggle. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.